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How To Deal With The Disappointment Of Not Conceiving

I’m not going to tell you to “just relax”, don’t worry. 

However – if you want to stop obsessing with getting pregnant every month, learning how to deal with the disappointment of not conceiving each month is important. 

Personally, I myself spent many CD1 days crying and getting more and more desperate that yet another month had gone by. Certain months would pass and I would realize that I would not be having a baby this calendar year or by the time I turned a certain age. 

With a little bit of work, you can prepare yourself for potential disappointment and shift the focus to what you can do to change your situation instead of feeling that everything is out of your control. 

During this time of year,  coping with infertility during the holidays  is essential to getting through family gatherings, parties and work events.
If you are forced to attend events after a BFN, the tips below will help you gather your strength and courage. 

How to deal with the disappointment of not conceiving

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my Disclosure for more details. 

Today on Seaside Sundays, I’m pleased to welcome Denise Wiesner,  founder of the  Natural Healing and Acupuncture Clinic in West Los Angeles to talk to us about how to deal with the disappointment of not conceiving when you want to. 

Denise is the author of a new book called Conceiving with Love: A Whole-Body Approach to Creating Intimacy, Reigniting Passion, and Increasing Fertility

how to deal with the disappointment of not conceivingPraise for Denise’s book from some well-known fertility experts:

Conceiving with Love is a much-needed antidote to the desperation so many women feel when facing a diagnosis of infertility. This is the book I’d recommend to everyone who wants to increase her fertility.”
—Christiane Northrup, MD, New York Times best-selling author of Goddesses Never AgeThe Wisdom of Menopause, and Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom
 
“Written by a seasoned practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine, Conceiving with Love combines the wisdom of Eastern medicine with the latest advances in conventional fertility treatment. It’s a great resource and I’ll definitely recommend it to my patients who are struggling to get pregnant.”
—Jill Blakeway, DACM, LAc, co-author of Making Babies
 

Disappointment affects us all. There are no exceptions. Perhaps you are struggling with trying to have a baby, and the immense disappointment that can come from yet another negative pregnancy test or a failed fertility treatment.

Whatever the cause of your disappointment, this post may help you.

I was cleaning with my bookkeeper and finally got around to organizing my big grey file cabinet – the home of many loose papers in untitled folders that I had been avoiding for years. 

Endless receipts and warranties for Walkmans (a relic from the 80’s), video cameras, and old TVs were tossed into my throwaway pile. But then I came across a green folder of my writings, and as I flipped through the folder, one piece caught my attention.

It was called “Pregnancy Preparation and Disappointment.”

I began to read this piece out loud to my bookkeeper, who just three months prior to our meeting, lost her 53-year-old husband to complications of Multiple Sclerosis.

Even though the piece was about pregnancy preparation, its words of wisdom were applicable to loss in general, and as I read, tears streamed down her face.

It was a poignant moment, as the ending had been written by my late husband, Alex, whose words touched both of us deeply.

From 2006:

One of my patients who had done her second IVF had just gotten news that it didn’t work. Her Doctor told her it was implantation issues. I wondered if anyone really knew why a pregnancy happened or didn’t happen.

I realized that I needed to remind myself about life’s lessons, including disappointment, so I could help my patient.

Just then, my four-year-old walked into the room and exclaimed: “I am going to win my soccer game.” I asked him: “What happens if you don’t win?”

To which he replied with a flat definition of losing. So I rephrased my question, “How do you FEEL when you don’t win?”  He shrugged his shoulders and said, “Nothing.”

Out of the mouths of babes. It clearly wasn’t going to ruin his day if he lost. Four-year-olds have a way of just moving on.

As Martin Luther King, Jr. said so eloquently, “We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.” That’s a big truth to live by.

10 Tips for coping with not getting pregnant

Here are my ten tips for dealing with disappointment when trying to conceive:

1.Sorrow is a necessity of life

Just as life is full of joy, happiness, contentment and love, life is also full of suffering such as pain, fear, and anxiety. In order to fully appreciate true joy, we have to experience sorrow. So live life to its fullness and embrace it all.

2. The only certainty in life is uncertainty.

When things don’t go as planned, learn from the situation. There is always an opportunity for personal growth in any situation. See what lessons you can learn, and keep that age-old saying in mind: “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

3. Make the most of the situation

Welcome opportunities by making the most of the cards you are dealt and hold the space inside yourself, your container, for all your emotions and thoughts.

4. Share yourself.

Seek out support from friends, loved ones, therapists, healers and books. You never know who may just have the perfect wisdom to help you through a difficult situation, or has even been in a similar situation.

5. Write it out

Writing can be a therapeutic tool to express your feelings. Feelings are an integral part of life and writing in a journal can help you mindfully watch your thoughts and feelings, process them and not stuff them down.

6. Cultivate patience

What seems like our biggest disappointment at the time can transform into our greatest learning experiences at another time.

7. Adversity is a stepping stone

Not achieving a goal can act as the irritant necessary for something beautiful to emerge, like how an oyster creates a pearl from a grain of sand.

8. Have courage

“C-c-c-courage,” said the Cowardly Lion in The Wizard of Oz. Remembering this can help us when we are in doubt. Know you can muster all the courage it takes to keep moving forward.

9. Enjoy the ride

We can often get fixated on a goal or result, but remember that it is not only the destination that is important but also the journey.

And finally:

Alex’s words of wisdom: “In our culture, we are focused often on external achievement. As a result, we scarcely have the language to express disappointment, grief, shame and loss. We are taught that these are private struggles. To be able to express our true feelings to ourselves and others – this is healing. In fact, if we are not able to express ourselves it can lead to ill health, emotional blockage and wasted time in unsupportive activities and bad relationships.”

FREE Fertility Resources (Ebooks, Checklists and more)

Click the links to instantly download the following useful resources, at no cost! 

FREE Ebook: How to Improve Your Egg Health

FREE Report: How To Improve Sperm Health

Report: Preventing Miscarriages

FREE Ebook:  Restore Fertility & Get Pregnant Naturally

Free Checklist for IVF 

About the author:

how to stop obsessing about not getting pregnant

Denise Wiesner, LAc, FABORM, founder of the Natural Healing and Acupuncture Clinic in West Los Angeles, is an internationally recognized traditional Chinese medicine practitioner, specializing in the Whole Systems Chinese medicine approach to women’s health, sexuality, and fertility.
 
Since 1994, Denise has treated and helped women manage challenges from menstrual disorders through menopause, and from infertility to pregnancy.
 
Using a combination of acupuncture, diet and lifestyle counseling, nutritional supplements, and Chinese herbs, Denise has helped thousands of couples navigate the tricky, and often stressful, journey toward fertility, without losing their loving connection.
 
She has a Bachelor’s of Science in Exercise Kinesiology (UCLA), a Master of Arts in traditional Chinese medicine (Emperor’s College), and is a certified sex coach.
Denise has board certification by the State of California and the American Board of Oriental Reproductive Medicine (ABORM), and a charter member of the Fertile Soul: Clinical Excellence in Fertility program.
 

More Fertility Tips

 
 
 

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